After a crazy few months of interacting with someone who treated me less than I would/have ever accepted from someone, even to the point of being blunt rude and unkind I would go back, I'd go back because the smallest sign of kindness or flattery somehow wiped away the bad, something about this guy made me feel like he had the world under control and I liked that. He didn't need me, but when he wanted me I liked it. After spending some time to clear myself of what was emotionally not a healthy engagement. I finally met someone who was the polar opposite. Showed and reminded me how beautiful it felt to be adored, loved and appreciated, including all of my quirks, to give and receive love without any guards, games, or lies.
After three months it got too much because I felt that this beautiful being depended on me emotionally, and wanted me to give up my entire space, emotional and physical, for him too soon in the relationship. Which also strengthened the desire for more personal space. Being emotionally depended upon was exhausting and stressful, and I realised the other day that we can be drawn to the 'bad guys' over the 'nice guys' because they don't depend on us, or collapse any part of their world for us. They stand strong in their world, their life, and way of living, which can make us feel like we can depend on them in return. When someone emotionally relies on someone else, there is a massive weight involved. According to David Deida in his book 'The Way of the Superior Man', women want a man who can show them that they have the world under control, so that they can relax and be more in line with the feminine energy that is like water, and goes with the flow. Women continuously test their man, which could be subconscious rather than conscious tests to prove to them that they have their world, and therefore THE world under control. The moment they collapse a part of their world for a woman they lose the trust that involves trust in all decisions made, the woman now feels like she needs to question and double check everything. So my understanding on this subject is that the moment a man shows a woman he doesn't have his world under control, or relies on the woman to show him that the world is under control, she loses her complete trust in that man, and takes on extra masculine energy, rather than relaxing in the feminine energy.
So what our modern day society needs is the in-between, the balance of light and dark, masculine and feminine, yin and yang. We need to each stand strong in our own worlds, to do the things we love, and entwine our paths together once that is accomplished, not the other way around. It isn't selfish to put yourself first, when you do the things you love, and take good care of yourself you thrive, and therefore help others thrive. It's when you over compromise and put others before yourself that you then start to pull others down, because you're not at your highest/most vibrant/full of vitality etc. I believe society teaches us that putting ourselves first is selfish, but if you didn't put your oxygen mask on first in an aircraft emergency, how would you be able to help anyone else? Let's reconsider what is selfish, let's get ourselves thriving then join together for ecstatic relationships that encourage, uplift and strengthen each other.
NOTE: I speak from the perspective of a heterosexual woman because that is my context and what I understand, I acknowledge that the idea explored in this post does not align itself with all women, bi, gay, or heterosexual. It's an exploration of an idea based on the context I personally understand, but not the only idea to be explored. I believe we feel what our predominant energy is, our biological sex does not necessarily indicate what we feel. I lovingly accept and appreciate all human beings and their sexuality.